How COVID Stole Christmas! (And the rest of 2020)

Listen to the audiobook while you read!

Every Thing down in Thing-ville liked Christmas a lot…
But COVID, who hated all good things, did NOT!

COVID loathed Christmas! He loathed every season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the bully was just idiotic.
It could be, perhaps, he was cruel and psychotic.
But really, the reason that most will recall,
May have been that deep down he had NO heart at all.
.
But, whatever the reason, his heart or his sanity,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating humanity.
Staring down at the frontlines with no hint of glee,
At the well-distanced workers in full PPE.
For he know every Thing, who was getting much wiser,
Was busy now, buying more hand sanitizer.
.
“And they’re knitting new masks!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he bellowed, his mouth spewing spit like bad plumbing,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
.
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Thing girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They’d Lysol their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
.
Then the Things, before eating, would line up to wash.
And they’d wash! And they’d wash! And they’d WASH! WASH! WASH! WASH!
They would wash twenty seconds then rinse, splishy-splosh.
Which was something that COVID had long yearned to squash.
.
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Thing down in Thing-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand, six feet separate, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d lower their face shields. And THEN they’d start SINGING!

Every Thing down in Thing-ville liked Christmas a lot…
But COVID, who hated all good things, did NOT!
.
COVID loathed Christmas! He loathed every season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be the bully was just idiotic.
It could be, perhaps, he was cruel and psychotic.
But really, the reason that most will recall,
May have been that deep down he had NO heart at all.
.
But, whatever the reason, his heart or his sanity,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, hating humanity.
Staring down at the frontlines with no hint of glee,
At the well-distanced workers in full PPE.
For he know every Thing, who was getting much wiser,
Was busy now, buying more hand sanitizer.
.
“And they’re knitting new masks!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he bellowed, his mouth spewing spit like bad plumbing,
“I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!”
.
For tomorrow, he knew, all the Thing girls and boys
Would wake bright and early. They’d Lysol their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That’s one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
.
Then the Things, before eating, would line up to wash.
And they’d wash! And they’d wash! And they’d WASH! WASH! WASH! WASH!
They would wash twenty seconds then rinse, splishy-splosh.
Which was something that COVID had long yearned to squash.
.
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Thing down in Thing-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand, six feet separate, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d lower their face shields. And THEN they’d start SINGING!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more COVID thought of this sterilized sing,
The more COVID thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why, for fifty-three weeks I’ve destroyed 2020!
“But HOW in the world can I spread to so many?”
.
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GERM GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
.
“I know just what to do!” COVID coughed in his throat.
And he baked some fresh cookies and wrote a quick note.
And he chuckled, and wheezed, “What a great COVID trick!
“With this note and these cookies, I’ll infect Saint Nick!”
.
“All I need is to wait…” And he sat by the fire,
Reminiscing—“Oh, my! What a year to transpire!”
.
He’d grounded the airplanes, he’d shut down the borders.
He’d turned everyone into toilet roll hoarders.
He’d ruined the spring and the summer and fall,
He’d made people fight, and then, worst of all,
He’d wiped out whole families, the young and the old,
And kept spreading and spreading to numbers untold.
No matter how hard every home tried to fight,
The truth was for now there was no end in sight.
And that last deadly bit made the little jerk smirk,
When all of a sudden, he heard a loud ERRRKK!
.
And in came Kris Kringle, in full red and white,
Who crept to the cookies and took his first bite.
It’s sad Father Christmas thought he was alone-a,
Because, just like that, Santa Claus caught corona.
.
Unknowingly, Santa then went on his way
And carried the COVID creep up to his sleigh.
The germ cried, “Giddap!” as the sled started down,
Toward the homes where the Things lay like kings in their town.
.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Things were all dreaming sweet things without care
When they came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” COVID said at the scene,
And he rode Santa’s hat past the reindeer, unseen.
.
Then they slid down the chimney without any trouble,
And now they were inside the family’s bubble.
They froze only once, for a moment or two.
Then COVID looked out of the fireplace flue
Where N95s were all hung in a row.
“These masks,” COVID grinned, “are the first things to go!”
.
Then he snorted and wheezed, with a cough most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he touched every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he sneezed in the stockings. Then the germ, on a streak,
Went and kissed all the nutcracker dolls on the cheek.
.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He found the Thing’s feast!
He spit in the pudding! He bit the roast beast!
He coughed in the icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that fool even licked their last can of Thing-hash!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d SING! SING! SING! SING!
And the more COVID thought of this sterilized sing,
The more COVID thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why, for fifty-three weeks I’ve destroyed 2020!
“But HOW in the world can I spread to so many?”
.
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
THE GERM GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
.
“I know just what to do!” COVID coughed in his throat.
And he baked some fresh cookies and wrote a quick note.
And he chuckled, and wheezed, “What a great COVID trick!
“With this note and these cookies, I’ll infect Saint Nick!”
.
“All I need is to wait…” And he sat by the fire,
Reminiscing—“Oh, my! What a year to transpire!”
.
He’d grounded the airplanes, he’d shut down the borders.
He’d turned everyone into toilet roll hoarders.
He’d ruined the spring and the summer and fall,
He’d made people fight, and then, worst of all,
He’d wiped out whole families, the young and the old,
And kept spreading and spreading to numbers untold.
No matter how hard every home tried to fight,
The truth was for now there was no end in sight.
And that last deadly bit made the little jerk smirk,
When all of a sudden, he heard a loud ERRRKK!
.
And in came Kris Kringle, in full red and white,
Who crept to the cookies and took his first bite.
It’s sad Father Christmas thought he was alone-a,
Because, just like that, Santa Claus caught corona.
.
Unknowingly, Santa then went on his way
And carried the COVID creep up to his sleigh.
The germ cried, “Giddap!” as the sled started down,
Toward the homes where the Things lay like kings in their town.
.
All their windows were dark. Quiet snow filled the air.
All the Things were all dreaming sweet things without care
When they came to the first little house on the square.
“This is stop number one,” COVID said at the scene,
And he rode Santa’s hat past the reindeer, unseen.
.
Then they slid down the chimney without any trouble,
And now they were inside the family’s bubble.
They froze only once, for a moment or two.
Then COVID looked out of the fireplace flue
Where N95s were all hung in a row.
“These masks,” COVID grinned, “are the first things to go!”
.
Then he snorted and wheezed, with a cough most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he touched every present!
Pop guns! And bicycles! Roller skates! Drums!
Checkerboards! Tricycles! Popcorn! And plums!
And he sneezed in the stockings. Then the germ, on a streak,
Went and kissed all the nutcracker dolls on the cheek.
.
Then he slunk to the icebox. He found the Thing’s feast!
He spit in the pudding! He bit the roast beast!
He coughed in the icebox as quick as a flash.
Why, that fool even licked their last can of Thing-hash!

Then he sneezed in the napkins, the fruit bowl, the tea.
“And NOW!” COVID grinned, “I will sneeze on the tree!”
.
And he sneezed on the Christmas tree, spraying the pine,
When he heard a small cough and thought, That wasn’t mine.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Thing!
Little Cindy-Wing Ding, who was someone’s offspring.
.
The sicko was caught by this tiny Thing daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Corona. “Oh, Santy Claus, why,
Why are you stroking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
.
But, you know, that COVID was so smart and slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little child,” he tried to appease,
“This tree is quite sick. Did you not hear it sneeze?
“So I’m taking it straight to the ER, my dear.
“They’ll test it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
.
And his fib fooled the child. Then he sent her to sleep,
And he got her a drink that he’d spit in, the creep.
And when Cindy-Wing Ding went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and rode Santa up!
.
Then he did the same thing to the other Thing’s homes,
Including those with pre-existing syndromes.
.

Listen now to "You're a Mean One, COVID-19" by James Aries

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Things, still a-bed,
All the Things, still a-snooze,
While he rode Santa’s sled.
Rode it down main street! Past restaurants and barbers!
Infecting all businesses, airports, and harbors!
.
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Zeddit,
He rode with his viral load, rushing to spread it!
“Pooh-Pooh to the Things!” he was vilely humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
“They’re waking up now with fevers and pains,
“With headaches and migraines all up in their brains.
“Their mouths are hung open, their throats are closed off,
“Now these Things down in Thing-ville will all start to cough!”
.
“That’s a noise,” COVID grinned, “that I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the germ put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
.
But the sound wasn't sick! Why, this sound sounded healthy!
It couldn't be so! He’d been careful! And stealthy!
He stared down at Thing-ville! The germ popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
.
Every Thing down in Thing-ville, the tall and the small,
Was ZOOMING! No physical contact at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Socially distanced, it came just the same!

Then he sneezed in the napkins, the fruit bowl, the tea.
“And NOW!” COVID grinned, “I will sneeze on the tree!”
.
And he sneezed on the Christmas tree, spraying the pine,
When he heard a small cough and thought, That wasn’t mine.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Thing!
Little Cindy-Wing Ding, who was someone’s offspring.
.
The sicko was caught by this tiny Thing daughter,
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at Corona. “Oh, Santy Claus, why,
Why are you stroking our Christmas tree? WHY?”
.
But, you know, that COVID was so smart and slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little child,” he tried to appease,
“This tree is quite sick. Did you not hear it sneeze?
“So I’m taking it straight to the ER, my dear.
“They’ll test it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
.
And his fib fooled the child. Then he sent her to sleep,
And he got her a drink that he’d spit in, the creep.
And when Cindy-Wing Ding went to bed with her cup,
HE went to the chimney and rode Santa up!
.
Then he did the same thing to the other Thing’s homes,
Including those with pre-existing syndromes.
.

Listen now to "You're a Mean One, COVID-19" by James Aries

It was quarter past dawn…
All the Things, still a-bed,
All the Things, still a-snooze,
While he rode Santa’s sled.
Rode it down main street! Past restaurants and barbers!
Infecting all businesses, airports, and harbors!
.
Three thousand feet up! Up the side of Mt. Zeddit,
He rode with his viral load, rushing to spread it!
“Pooh-Pooh to the Things!” he was vilely humming.
“They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
“They’re waking up now with fevers and pains,
“With headaches and migraines all up in their brains.
“Their mouths are hung open, their throats are closed off,
“Now these Things down in Thing-ville will all start to cough!”
.
“That’s a noise,” COVID grinned, “that I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused. And the germ put his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
.
But the sound wasn't sick! Why, this sound sounded healthy!
It couldn't be so! He’d been careful! And stealthy!
He stared down at Thing-ville! The germ popped his eyes!
Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise!
.
Every Thing down in Thing-ville, the tall and the small,
Was ZOOMING! No physical contact at all!
He HADN’T stopped Christmas from coming! IT CAME!
Socially distanced, it came just the same!

And COVID, his spirit ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
“It came without kisses! It came without hugs!
“It came without travel or overpriced drugs!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the germ thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas is less about where people are.
“Maybe Christmas is more about love, near AND far!”
.
And what happened then…?
Well…in Thing-ville they say
That some science grants grew three sizes that day!
And after they found an effective vaccine,
The whole world received it and left quarantine.

And COVID, his spirit ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
“It came without kisses! It came without hugs!
“It came without travel or overpriced drugs!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.
Then the germ thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Christmas is less about where people are.
“Maybe Christmas is more about love, near AND far!”
.
And what happened then…?
Well…in Thing-ville they say
That some science grants grew three sizes that day!
And after they found an effective vaccine,
The whole world received it and left quarantine.

And what about COVID? He cried and he cried,
Until he…HE HIMSELF…! COVID finally died.

And what about COVID? He cried and he cried,
Until he…HE HIMSELF…! COVID finally died.

Dear Reader,

With Christmas around the corner, I confess that the good doctor’s most infamous thief was an easy target for parody.
.
Unlike the Grinch, however, COVID-19 has no redeeming qualities.
.

So now that my silly rhymes have your attention, I’d like to do something good with it. If you enjoyed this story, please donate a dollar or two (or two hundred) to a COVID-related charity or your choice.
.
Don’t have one? Might I suggest the WHO's Response Fund.
.
Thank you for the kindness you show to others this time of year.
.
Happy holidays, and hang in there.
.
D. Melhoff

Dear Reader,

With Christmas around the corner, I confess that the good doctor’s most infamous thief was an easy target for parody.
.
Unlike the Grinch, however, COVID-19 has no redeeming qualities.
.

So now that my silly rhymes have your attention, I’d like to do something good with it. If you enjoyed this story, please donate a dollar or two (or two hundred) to a COVID-related charity or your choice.
.
Don’t have one? Might I suggest the WHO's Response Fund.
.
Thank you for the kindness you show to others this time of year.
.
Happy holidays, and hang in there.
.
D. Melhoff


D. Melhoff, Author

D. Melhoff is a master of making the fun and bizarre go hand in hand. Along with the rich, one-of-a-kind illustrations of Ariane Elsammak, his twisted tales are exciting rides through the dark side of every reader’s imagination, appealing to mature children and immature adults everywhere.

Read more of D. Melhoff’s dark holiday stories

Ariane Elsammak

Illustrator

Ariane Elsammak creates humorous and whimsical illustrations for all ages, from kids’ books to magazines to apparel. She studied children’s book and editorial illustration at the School of Visual Arts in New York City and the DuCret School of Art in New Jersey, where she resides with her adorable pets.

See more of Ariane’s illustrations

James Aries

Singer / Songwriter

James Aries is a classically trained pianist with show-tune tendencies and a penchant for pop. An emerging singer-songwriter, Aries draws comparisons to fellow Canadian artists Rufus Wainwright and Sarah Slean while carving out his own unique blend of old-world cabaret and contemporary baroque pop.

Listen to more of James’ music